Call centre monkeys

13 04 2011

For the second in my Totally Judgemental Post of the Day series I’m going to rant about people who work in call centres, specifically Orange, the mobile phone company.

I know it can’t be the most pleasant job on the planet and I know that you may have studied to postgrad level to be a successful communications expert but the reality is you work on the end of the phone for a company that treats its customers like shite. Not just any shite but the shite from an eastern european, gay, muslim, junkie, paedophile who has lived his entire life on disability benefits while working on the side as a lawyer for the old labour government suing the NHS. Are there any negative Daily Mail stereotypes I’ve missed out?

The lack of respect from these so-called customer services assistants is unbelievable. The attitude you, the hallowed customer, gets from the minute they answer the call until the moment you tell them to FUCK OFF AND DIE then hang up, is worse than that of a hormonal teenager asked to tidy his bedroom so his granny can share the room with him without choking on his offensive sock fumes, during her short stay.

Take for example my telephone call to Orange yesterday.

I have two contracts with them and for one, the iPhone, I have had nothing but niceties, pleasantness and a very helpful customer services experience. I was spoiled by the iPhone specific department full of uber geeks. My other contract was a bog standard phone deal that had up until 6 months ago been reasonably cheap but without so much as a hows yer father, or simple email, they more than doubled the cost of the deal because I was “out of contract”.

I called up to either have the contract reverted to the previous cost or cancel. When the girl on the end of the phone asked why I was cancelling, I told her very simply and calmly, I wasn’t too pleased that they hadn’t warned me in advance of the change to the tariff.

Well didn’t this skanky piece of rectal bitch-scum go off on one?

She was ranting and raving at me. A completely unwarranted attitude. I couldn’t have been more pleasant when answering why I wanted to cancel and in return I was told that over two years ago (April 2008) they had given me advance warning of the contract ending in Oct 2010 and that they had 13 million customers so they couldn’t contact them all when the contracts came to an end.

What a fantastic method of making the customer feel central to their business… yeah you’re only one of 13 million customers, we can afford to fuck you off, now piss off!

For many many years I was with Tmobile and 1-2-1 before them. They always gave a courtesy call or email to alert you to an end of contract and the potential to renew and upgrade your phone. Never once did they give me attitude. When I highlighted I had always previously been contacted just prior to the end of my contract with other suppliers, this skanky piece of rectal bitch-scum implied I was lying as she had worked for both T-mobile and 3 before Orange. So job retention obviously her speciality in her high-flying career as a call centre worker for £14k a year.

I honestly wished I had commented on her (in)ability to retain jobs with her attitude as she tried to argue, and I mean properly argue that I was wrong about the other companies I had dealt with, having such a goodwill feature.

I uncharacteristically, and possibly as a result of shock setting in at this response, stayed very calm and polite.

She highlighted she had never called me a liar, which was technically correct as it was merely implied but what kind of customer service is this?

I had to at one point shut her up while she went off on her rant by saying I wasn’t on the line to argue with her and merely to cancel the contract. The result? No retention offers, no sorry to see you go, just more fucking unwarranted attitude.

I appreciate these people may get a hard time from customers but when a customer is faced with this kind of verbal abuse day in day out, it’s entirely plausible that they may not be the cheeriest people on the planet when faced with having to speak to yet another moron with more attitude than braincells.

Knowing quite a few permanent call centre staff (i.e. not just earning while chasing a career in their chosen field) I must admit it does take a special kind of person to do that. And by special, I don’t mean kind, considerate and tolerant, I mean unemployable in every other business on the planet. They are thick, moronic, rude and self-centred. They work in call centres to fund their alcoholism and propagate the depression in their dreary lives. They hate life, they hate work, they hate themselves and they hate their customers who in the end provide the cash for their wages.

Just like anyone who ever has to call them.. We hate them, their life, their work and the fact we fund their piss ups too.

I miss the days of face to face customer contact. They were far more respectful and if a prat like that spoke to you with such poor attitude you could appease yourself by twatting them one.

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