The day a penis killed my server

14 05 2011

In the good old days of the internet when HTML4 was hailed as the most fantastic thing on the planet, you had to learn the code, its most efficient order and the joys of meta tags and keywords. SEO was just a little money-making spermy swimming towards its Googley egg.

Nowadays it’s mostly automated, people can set up sites without having to consider the most efficient means of highlighting your efforts in search engines. The search engines come find you, root about your wares then add you as necessary. People herald Search Engine Optimisation and top ten spots as the golden egg, the thing all webmasters should aspire to. SEO techniques should try to get you on the first page of search results for the relevant keywords or phrase.

Imagine my surprise when one of my websites images was the number one returned result from a simple blog post on Sex education. Most people would kill for that kind of search engine recognition.

What was that image? I hear you ask…  It was a picture of a penis.

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Not like this one!

Not a big throbbing, horny, full-colour penis picture mind, oh no, one which was taken in black and white and generally used for sex education and biology classes, complete with tags pointing out each feature of the member. It’s tag, “A Penis”

So while all these multi-million pound pornography websites spent thousands on perfecting their SEO, and obviously competition is rife for number one Google spot in any industry let alone one as prolific as pornography, little old Grumpyhatlady and Chums had done the unthinkable and taken number one Google spot for the image of a ‘Penis’.

Obviously I’ve been trying to rectify that. As much as the attention is lovely, the server was groaning under the strain and there were some disturbing search terms relating to illegal practices and young people, that left me feeling particularly uncomfortable. I was discussing the benefits of age appropriate sex education not engaging children in abusive practices…

That was really disturbing. I’ll admit, it freaked me out and that takes some doing.

Yet the experience was definitely an interesting one. It highlights the main use for the internet still seems to be pornography related. Germany in particular, it seems, likes to look at pictures of penises. There were many American school and college ISPs accessing the photograph which made me wonder if their adult content blockers were made of soggy toilet paper. Professionals from a range of sources obviously having a wee peek during work hours.

Do these people get paid to look at pictures of willy’s on a grumpy womans blog?

Well, harking back to the days of good ole HTML, good structured mark-up, valid code  and a basic text editing programme to design your pages has obviously been a good grounding for modern SEO techniques. I just hope now google images has read my robots.txt and removed the offending link as I’ve since deleted the picture and selfishly hotlinked to another. I find it funny people are willing to pay a fortune for things that are merely common sense and a bit of good mark-up knowledge.

Or maybe I am a marketing genius? I’ve done enough of it over the years. Perhaps I should set myself up in business as an SEO expert with the slogan, “No 1 Penis on the internet” That would definitely bring me more potential customers.

And for those who’d like to see all my successful search terms in their full glory for the past week (feel free to giggle):

2011-05-07 to Today

Search Views
penis 4,720
black penis 18
long penis 13
beautiful penis 13
gambar penis 10
penis bilder 9
pen?s 9
penis images 9
boy penis 9
dolly mixture 9
penis pictures 8
world largest men penis 8
sex penis 8
biggest human penis 7
penis in vagina 7
penis pics 6
popsicle 6
refreshers 6
penis photos 6
penis boy 5
penis picture 5
pénis 5
real penis 5
penis in a vagina 4
fotos de penis 4
big black penises 4
penis real 4
foto penis 4
penis penis 4
dolly mixtures 4
le penis d’un homosexuel 4
bilder zu penis 4
what does a penis look like 4
13 year old penis 4
pictures of a penis 3
pictures penis long 3 3
http://www.penis pictures 3
circumsized dicks 3
sex mit penis 3
penis image 3
“penis” 3
penis fotos 3
penis pic 3
12 year old boy penis 3
penis photo 3
prada dresses 3
penis. 3
penis in die scheide 3
okay 3
black man penis 3
moobs 3
fotos penis 2
gypsy wedding clothing 2
black penis photos 2
12 year old penis 2
largest penis in the world 2
^penis 2
penis resimleri 2
boy peni 2
ein pennis in der scheide 2
gay mature sex i penis 2
penis 2
different type of penis 2
images of penis 2
pen is 2
“mark littlewood” today 2
image of penis 2
teen penis 2 2
summer jackets dress 2
pictures of penis 2
sex penis eduecation 2
sex education penis 2
12 yrs old boy penis 2
world largest male penis 2
actual penis pictures 2
what does a penis feel like 2
photos of penis 2
summer outfits for size 12 2
biggest human peins in the world 2
penis photograpy 2
black mens penis 2
free penis 2
penis long 2
penis damage 2
kids+penis 2
penis free 2
male largest penis 2
penis mit penis 2
biggest human peni in the world 2
penic of boy 2
bra 10 years old teen girl 1
penis in de vagina 1
male education penis 1
mark littlewood disabled insurance 1
pe^nis 1
pesudo-penis 1
black penis picture 1
cumshot penis 1
pénis black 1
gypsy wedding kids 1
pinis boy 1
picture of popsicle 1
real pic of penis 1
do scots really want an independent scotland 1
no me aricaba 1
all saints should stoke larger sizes 1
opinions about parenthood 1
boys penis 1
a penis in a vigina 1
how do all saints dresses fit 1
bouncing. 1
what would happen if scotland was independent? 1
p enis 1
dick/penuis 1
penis through panta 1
penis de black 1
penis into vagina 1
13 year old penis pics 1
dolly mixture sweet 1
penis resmi 1
pseudo penis in males 1
biggest real dick 1
penis bild 1
the biggest penis 1
trampoline bouncing 1
most beautiful penis 1
fotos do penis 1
“mark littlewood” you yours grumpyladyinahat 1
jumbo fanny pads 1
grumpyhatlady 1
attracting penis for fucking 1
biggest human cock 1
grumpy hat lady and chums 1
teen penises 1
my problem alone 1
trampolining bouncing 1
how can we screw the poor 1
peniss 1
longest dick human 1
gypsy child development pictures 1
penis foto 1
pics of penis 1
love penis 1
largest real penis ever 1
grump penis 1
royal wedding register login 1
grow penis 1
penis pic. 1
disabled people don?t exercise. 1
pénis radio 1
pinis in vigina 1
penis# 1
sex and dick 1
mark littlewood you and yours 1
penis? 1
photo,penis 1
penis photography 1
penis normal 1
single parent grants “powered by disqus” 1
bigggest penis 1
dont patronise me 1
who gets the oil of scotland leave uk 1
bouncing on trampoline 1
penis before sex and after sex how to identify 1 1
teenage penis 1
a penis 1
longer penis 1
i will survive song – rewritten 1
http://www.penis. com. 1
shemale penis 1
http://www.penis com 1
penis in der scheide 1
penis shapes 1
teenage penises 1
penis vs penis 1
facebook takes ownership of content 1
the beautiful penis 1
kids penis 1
chums 1
penis education 1
how big is the biggest penis 1
photo of penis 1
black penis pictures 1
aricaba coffee 1
what does a penis look like? 1
a dick 1
pic of penis 1
naked penis 1
the biggest human penis in the world 1
12 year olds dick 1
misophoniapain 1
gnarly feet 1
all saints wing dress 1
http://www.penist com 1 1
mishoponia is ruining my life 1
photo photo penis 1
grand penis 1
normal penis 1
picture of a penis 1
summer jackets for girls 1
student loan graduate entry route llb 1
penis fight club 1





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