Jingle Fucking Bells? Bah Fucking Humbug!

10 12 2011

It’s only December 10th and I’m sick of Christmas already.

I’ve had it shoved down my throat in the shops since SEPTEMBER!!!

September is still fucking summer. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?

Next were the first to do it. Just subtle things like Christmas cards next to the check-out… in mid September. Supermarkets were soon to follow with their seasonal aisle. I’d have assumed seasonal meant relevant to the current season, it appears I was wrong. The Halloween aisle, my personal tacky favourite being reduced in favour of tins of biscuits and selection boxes.

If people want biscuits in September / October, whats wrong with the biscuit aisle?

So anyway then comes the local competition to see who can get their tree up first. Flats in Springburn in Glasgow usually win with late October/ Early November offerings. The tat is unimaginable. Next come the house decorations. We’re not quite on a par with our American cousins yet but dear dog, we’re getting close. I shall take photos and post them here as I can be bothered. My favourite so far has to be the 3rd floor veranda (a poor persons balcony for the conservatives among you) which was so covered in lights that I near crashed the car in my attempt to vomit out the window as I passed. I shall try to get a photo but it’s not the nicest area and could get lynched for doing so.

picture of house covered in christmas lights

Not Glasgow... local pics to follow

There is also the annual neighbourly competition on the outskirts of Clydebank. It’s infamous, where two neighbours living adjacent to each other on a very busy main road, try to out-bankrupt the other by upping their electricity bills by thousands each Christmas season. And no recession will stop them either! Each year another millimetre of their land is smothered in tacky, flashing snowmen, Santas, elves, reindeer and plinkyplonky musical things. The other neighbours must be going mad. How the hell do they sleep at night? How the hell does the electricity Grid cope with it? How the hell does the environment cope with it? How many road traffic accidents have occurred due to the blinding lights and ultimate distraction? Why do the aeroplanes on that flight path not get confused and land in their garden? I bloody would!

And of course we come to the ultimate consumer paradise… Christmas shopping. Everyone claims to hate it, so why do they flock in their millions to the shops, buying shite no one really wants with cash no one really has?

miserable people christmas shopping

christmas shopping in hell

Everyone moaned about this years tear jerking John Lewis advert where the child was excited to give a gift rather than just wait greedily for more space hogging drivel they will break within an hour and ignore until its time to throw it out. When inevitably it will become the latest favourite toy. Apparently it was unrealistic. Well let me tell you something. I was that child. I would take an age deciding on the ‘perfect’ gift for each relative, I’d pick something suited to them, something they claimed to want. I’d wait for them to open it before I even looked at mine. I’d then realise it was a complete waste of time, effort and money as they all still sit in cupboards to this day.

As an adult I made even more of an effort. Christmas was never about me. I hated it and would have been just as happy working the whole holiday, including new year. I would spend hundreds when I could afford to, to ensure everyone had exactly what they wanted. The gifts were ungratefully received and yup you guessed it, ended up in cupboards, or even better handed back to me the following year. So much for pandering to their requests.

I never made demands on people at christmas. I always considered the budgets available, even as a child. Yes I am fucking weird, what of it?

Imagine my excitement this year when my mother tells me she shall get me 4 sheets of plasterboard for christmas. It’s true that we do need it and its fucking ridiculous that it costs the same to deliver these 4 sheets as to purchase them, but as we don’t own a transit van we have no alternative to paying over the odds for ridiculous b&q delivery. Merry fucking christmas me. Obviously it’s very kind of her to help us out in this way and it means Jr will have a much-needed new ceiling in her bedroom.

plasterboard

I *never* ask for anything, I gratefully receive everything I’m given, even last years Nando’s gift card and matching chopping board from my mum, which were both very useful and allowed us to go out for a meal when we were skint.  But I honestly would rather people didn’t bother. If I am too much effort for them to think of something nice, I’d rather they saved their money and spent it on themselves.

We can’t afford this year to be buying presents so we’re making them. Homemade Jams, marmalades, preserves and fudges. Would cost a fortune if bought at a farmers market or craft fair. I’ll get the sewing machine out for kids things. Most are babies so wont mind not getting the latest PowerRanger or whatever the fuck it is kids want now. No doubt there will be under-breath comments about being cheap. FUCK THEM!

I would be far happier receiving nothing that to be grudgingly given something someone can’t afford. I’d rather someone donated a fiver to SSPCA than spent the same on jammies from Primark made by a 7 yr old in a sweatshop in India.

I fucking hate christmas. I hate what it turns people into. I hate how corporations force people to feel obliged to spend money on those they spend the other 364 days of the year avoiding. I hate that one religion dominates the rest of the western world with its message of peace, love and understanding yet no-one gives a shit about that and just want the presents. Did I mention I hate christmas?

And don’t even get me started on works secret Santas.

Grumpy elf

Bah fucking humbug!

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