What really goes on at a Teaparty…?

16 04 2012

Tea Parties with The Guys go on all night

So I come downstairs this morning to discover The Guys (the official term for Jr’s soft toy collection) sat in the same position we left them last night having a tea party. Now I don’t know if you condone this kind of all night partying in your house, but if I’m not invited it’s not on.What kind of disrespectful bunch sit up all night, on a school night while the rest of the house are asleep?

It all started off innocently enough yesterday afternoon

L-R LucyPussy, Miffy & Dotty Bunny, Molly, Scruffy, Moo & Sigmund

Things started to heat up a little by early evening

L-R Old baby Annabel, Moo, Big baby Annabel & Siegfried

It was all very amicable and polite when we went to bed. Let me share with you what I witnessed as I entered the living room this morning.

Moo is slumped in her high chair obviously reacting to the downers she must have popped to counteract last nights uppers.We’ve had words about this kind of behaviour in the house before, but it doesn’t stop her. I’m at a loss as to how to deal with this upper/downer cycle. It appears she’s dragged Old Baby Annabel back into her drug induced ways. Annabel has to be careful though, after her experience of “accidental” overdose last year landed her in hospital. Last year Jr was called to many meetings with child protection services over her lapse in parental judgement with baby Annabel’s drug use. You’d think a then 18 month old child would know better than to allow her baby Annabel to get mixing with dealers, pimps and hookers, but you just can never tell with people these days. She had 9 months of rehab to sort herself out. Poor Miffy bunny seems a bit bemused by it all. That or she’s stoned. It’s hard to tell with those eyes. Maybe she’s not poor Miffy at all, maybe she’s the ringleader of this outrageous behaviour.

Alfie the dog appears to be groping at Molly Teddy. I’m not comfortable with this overtly sexualised behaviour in front of some of the younger toys. He’s older than the rest and a bit of a cad. Molly is a bit too innocent. I’m sure he’s trying to break her. We’ve had words about this before but he’s like a dog with a boner.

Dotty Bunny passed out hours ago in front of her teacup, If I didn’t know better I’d say she looks dead. Not wanting a scandal at the house (what would the neighbours say?) I won’t investigate her life status and hope she’s just in a K-hole. It’s not looking good. *hears theme tune from Dr Who in background*

LucyPussy, well, she’s a little creepy. She’s sitting there with a huge grin while guarding her saucer, hasn’t moved a muscle all night. I’m scared to try to clear up for fear she pounces. She may look like a cute, fluffy soft toy but she’s a vicious killing machine with retractable claws. It’s best not to take on such a reprehensible beast

It appears scruffy the dog fell asleep molesting bonny the teddy. Are these toys having swinging parties as we sleep? This is totally inappropriate behaviour by toys belonging to a 2-year-old girl. Scruffy still has his tongue hanging out. At least the lipstick is out of sight. And I’m disappointed with Bonny. I thought she was a little more respectable than that. And not a condom in sight! I hope she’s on the pill.

Strangely, it seems @siegfriedzebra and Sigmund zebra weren’t part of last night’s festivities. This is unusual but as the pair of them are preparing for a new baby (Dipitus), perhaps they’re reigning in their wily ways. Dipitus currently has no head and when Jr introduced her to Sigmund, the response was a little frosty to say the least, it his does not bode well for bonding. Dipitus still has to have her head knitted and attached.

I’m not sure if I should point out that Siegfried was pictured in a compromising position with Alfie Dog at yesterday’s tea party. I’m unsure how Sigmund would react if he found out. At least they haven’t yet gone through with the civil partnership, despite their impending parenthood. Will they be the first  male zebra civil partners in the UK? I do hope so.

So now I’m left wondering, do I attempt to wake the toys up and get them to clear their own mess, or do I just leave it and book myself in to see a psychologist for all this drivel I took the time to write?

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