GHL Translates: When a girl misses you & guy facts

18 12 2011

This was another of those vomit inducing, brainless romantic teen bullshit chain email/meme things – when a girl misses you … For the cynics among us, I provide a translation in red.

~ when a girl misses you ~

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking she wants you to hold her hand.

when a girl bumps into your arm while walking she’s either pissed or on drugs. It’s probably your fault

When she wants a hug she will just stand there.

when she wants a hug she’ll pounce, if she’s just standing there she wants fuck all to do with you or you’ve probably pissed her off, in fact she probably doesn’t even know you exist. It’s all your fault

When u break her heart, she still feels it when u run into each other 3 years later

when you break her heart you’ll know all about it cos after the initial violent reaction, she’s likely to stalk you for a while, hassle your new love, hack your myspace and shag your best mate. All your fault

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

when a girl is quiet she’s either mute or you’ve pissed her off. There may be a million things running through her mind but they’re probably revenge thoughts and rather violent. It’s still your fault

When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a girl is not arguing she’s probably dead. Did you kill her?

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

when a girl  looks at you with eyes full of questions you’re in trouble. Have credible answers as to why you were found in bed with your best mate dave or hide now!

When a girl answers, “I’m fine, ” after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a girl answers “I’m fine” its your own fault for asking…. welcome to a can of worms you didn’t know existed just waiting to be opened.

When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

when a girl stares at you, your probably have a huge zit on your forehead or huge moobs. Our brains are above our bellybuttons so its nothing more.

When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl lays her head on your chest, the flunitrazepam has worked. Prepare for jail.

When a girl says that she can’t live without you, she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

when a girl says she cant live without you, hand her the noose or you’ll never get rid of her. Stalker

When a girl says, “I miss you, ” no one in this world can miss you more than that

When a girl says I miss you, the whole avoidance tactic isn’t working, tell her straight you want nothing to do with her or better still get the courts to do it. It’s probably your fault she’s like this anyway.

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup she wants you back, but she’s scared she’ll get hurt and knows you’re gone forever

when a girl is mean to you after a breakup you’ve probably been a cunt to her and you deserve all you get

 And who says the guys get let off…?

Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you, he wants to be with you

when a guy calls you he wants sex or his wrestling dvds back. Probably the latter

When a guy is quiet, He’s listening to you…

when a guy is quiet he’s thinking about shagging your best mate or dumping you… dump him first before he starts speaking

When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he’s wrong

when a guy is not arguing he’s on the playstation or taking a dump or dead.

When a guy says, “I’m fine, ” after a few minutes, he means it

when a guy says im fine after a few minutes, he’s been trying to remember what the hell you asked him cos he wasnt listening when you first said it.

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do

when a guy stares at you he’s mentally undressing you and shagging you where you stand…

When you’re laying your head on a guy’s chest, he has the world

when you’re laying your head on a guys chest the flunitrazapam has worked. Never leave your drink unguarded.

When a guy calls you everyday, he is in love

when a guy calls you everyday he’s either a bailiff or a stalker.

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, he means it

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, he just wants to fuck you, but is more clever going about it.

When a guy says he can’t live without you, he’s with you till your done

When a guy says he can’t live without you start running. He’ll be there… he’s always there, he’s everywhere, he’s fucking with your mind… He’s got 30 injunctions by other women. Beware

When a guy says, “I miss you, “he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

when a guy says I miss you he’s been up to something. check his pockets for clues, his mobile for txts and his cock for lipstick. Sniff his best mate Dave he could be gay

repost this in 10 minutes and your true love will call you

or don’t and your life wont change in the slightest

Originally Posted Feb 27th 2007





My Day in Rhyme Nov 30th 2007

17 06 2011

I was sure I had posted this already… a very true account of one day in my life in November 2007

 

My Day In Rhyme

The things i came up with during today
that make me think my life is gay
but not the happy jovial kind
im stuck for a word here that fitted and rhymed

shafted by the insurance co.
started to make my day blow
then i decided love sucks the boabie
and it really should smell of jo(a)bbie
it makes wanky people dress all dapper
and turns women into slappers
oh and it happens to men too
but they often do smell of poo

unlike scott this afternoon
who rather than make us swoon
kinda went and made us boak
when into his jumper sweat did soak
tho it clearly reeked of cat piss
and Lynn did go and mention this
to the smelly sweaty git
while in the chair he continued sit
and didnt think to leave
to allow us a chance to breath
so as i sat there choking and dying
inhaler was lost so i was gasping and sighing
i get a call that pisses me off
by now the smell is making me cough
i cant run away for the toe is broken
the office is cold and we’re all fucking choking

then in walks a man that makes my day
a deformed little freak with no hair by the way
a look reminiscent of orville the duck
and a voice so orvillian it just doesnt suck
I realise then life could be worse
I could be carted away in a hearse
and if scott didnt leave the chances were high
or i could be naked next to that guy
the one who really does look like a duck
makes me wonder if he’s ever had a fuck.

And then i need to go shopping in asda
a shop full of mongs, carpark full of mazda
yeah seems they all drive them govan
changing rooms heat like a fucking oven
I try on some trousers and realise im fat
when i get camel toe at my twat
which lets face it aint so hot
and then comes the obligatory snot
splatted down my clean black hoodie
perhaps it would give orville a woodie

So i pay for my stuff with snot down my Jumper
I know im the sex cos this jake says “I’d hump her”
then he proceeds to puke at my feet
tho i must admit his aim was quite neat
and this is the clencher, wait for this
as im leaving he takes a piss
right down his trousers and onto the floor
by this point im running, I can take no more
and he shouts after me with a voice loud as thunder
“hey doll you giving me your number?”

And so my friends the end of is near
cos im running out of rhyming ideas
I know i need to get a life
or go all emo and get a knife
I should shut up but before i do
a message to Thursday
A BIG FUCK YOU!

©grumpyhatlady 2007





Monday Bills *Guest Post*

27 04 2011

**Guest Post**

MONDAY MORNING ON BENEFITS _ WITH ALL THE WORRIES.

Imagine someone waking up monday morning , on benefits, feeling a bit crap due to illness, and thinking out loud, commentating to YOU:

I am Up – Kettles gone clunk.

So excuse me whilst I fill the cafetierre.

G’mornin BTW.

Did you know Tesco shuts Sunday Night here. So i’m asking myself what fikkin time it open? Is it open yet? I need some co-dydramol as soon as poss. I hope its soon.

Oh did i tell you yet its Money today oh that means Bills Today. Do you ever get that feeling?

I’m telling you! TV Licence payments are a frikkin joke at around 14 pound a month
And Water Rates include CHARGING you for collecting the water from the roof when it rains? Ludicrous. Water?A charge for WATER?Cant ever believe that.

So Welcome to the fortnightly bill payments by arrangements day for me, on Fortnightly benefits.

Have Internet/Phone to pay so I can stay in touch and stay sane, Service charges, Water , Telly, Electric, Food, Will leave me with less than 40 quid for the fortnight for all else. Can you live on that?

Might treat myself to a visit to “The Charity shop” see if theres a 4 quid treat or something.
Did you know also at the moment i’m also paying out for painkillers- cos i was tired and fell over.

Can I ask you what would happen if I needed , Say a couple of plates etc? Or A new hoover? Would you say No chance? I would.
I will have to imagine being invited somewhere – but if I was, being proud, I’d turn it down. Cant afford it.

Its same all the time. Just get minimalistic stuff and hibernate. Cant afford not to. People dont realise how absolutely restrictive it is. Oh life was so different once. i wont bore you with a dream sequence.else I’d cry.

I shant bore you anymore, so carry on.

…..That rant was brought to you by “An active mind” and “Aricaba Coffee” on a stressful monday morning.

 

— this was posted as is, no amendments to spelling or grammar —





When Student Becomes a Bad Word

1 04 2011

This was originally posted on an old blog, reposted here.

When Student Becomes a Bad Word

I overheard something said quite innocently last week, while in town.

I was with my daughter keeping my distance but watching the student protesters in Glasgow’s George Square. There were 3 police to every protester and the sad attempt at a kettle, looked like an authoritarian game of The Farmer’s in His Den, complete with wife, child, dog and bone in the centre.

While I watched the three deep police kettle “control” a crowd of no more than 20 people (for sadly they didn’t hold hands and dance in a circle around them as much as I willed them to), I heard for the first time in a very very long time, the word “student” used as a swear word.

Read the rest of this entry »





When Your Allergy Goes Out of Fashion…

1 04 2011

This is another old blog I posted elsewhere at the start of the year. Yesterday there was a piece in The Guardian Comment is Free Section “Caring for a Coeliac Just Got Tougher” which reminded me of this post.

When your allergy goes out of fashion?

Posted on January 5, 2011

Before I start I would like to highlight this isn?t a competition or dig at anyone in particular, just a rant about something that pisses me off no end.

I am a member of a very allergic family. It?s not much fun. I?m allergic to loads of stuff and loads of foodstuffs. People generally think you?re making it up when you say ?I can?t have *insert foodstuff here* because I?m allergic.?

30something years of this and I?m quite adept at avoiding things, providing no one invites me for dinner (a bonus being rather antisocial).

I started off dairy free when I was 7 years old and it was a transformation. It was the early 80?s and bloody hard finding anything that didn?t include some form of milk.

The only good thing Thatcher did for me, was stop free milk in schools. I was often sat for hours at a time by a teacher convinced milk was good for my bones and that my mother was neurotic by suggesting I don?t get given it. While all the other children would get out to play, I?d be sat in class with warm full fat milk, boaking at the thought of having to finish it.

In the 90s there was far more awareness and I went dairy free again. It was fantastic. Loads of places catered for dairy free by now or at least labelled their food and menus appropriately.

By 2000 onwards, it was falling out of fashion. Now it was trendy to have a gluten intolerance. There are even suggestions that 15-20% of the population have one.

My daughter was born in September 09. I knew almost instantaneously she had problems with dairy but no one would listen until she got very very ill and was rushed to hospital.

She has thrived on a dairy free diet but here comes the ranty part? Noone caters for dairy free anymore.

I mean supermarkets are uber-paranoid and label anything that?s been waved at a cow, through three windows, a pressure tank, a time-machine and zapped by the death star as quite possibly, maybe, potentially, probably having been sniffed by a person who drank milk once in their existence, on the production line.

But back in non-litigation land, all is not well. If we go out for a cuppa tea and a cake, she can?t have anything. Even the ever faithful, cake formerly known as the dairy free chocolate brownie has been raped by milk in recent years.

Yesterday my irritation peaked. I was in Peckhams looking for some nice cakes to take first footing to her granny. I asked ?are any cakes dairy free?? and was told no but ?we have lots of gluten free.?

My response?

?How nice?But we don?t need gluten free.?

I think there was a fucking in there actually.

How idiotic are these people? Did I fucking ask for gluten free? NO! I asked for dairy free but time and time again I get the response, ?we don?t do dairy free but we do gluten free?

What do you want? A fucking medal? A handshake and congratulations? A post in The Herald and Scotsman?

I don?t need gluten free. Gluten doesn?t make my daughter shit oily substances in agony, turn her skin raw and generally make her very unwell and upset.

I appreciate those with gluten intolerance and coeliacs have horrific reactions to gluten in products and I know that like dairy it?s hidden in a multitude of products but do catering businesses really believe that dairy allergies or intolerances just ended and everyone became gluten intolerant instead?

Interestingly statistics suggest that coeliac, an autoimmune condition is suffered by 1% of the population. 2-3% of children have a dairy allergy. Many more, approximately 20% have an intolerance to cows milk protein such as lactose.

My daughter has both the intolerance causing horrific sickness, diarrhoea and weight loss and an allergy causing eczema.

I don?t expect restaurants to list every ingredient or to even cater for every potential allergy or intolerance on the planet but I do expect people employed to sell or deliver this stuff to us to know that if I?m asking for dairy free I don?t want to know about their numerous gluten free products.

It?s like asking about buying a land rover and being shown a collection of Mini?s instead. Both perfectly acceptable products but if I want a LandRover I want a LandRover. If I want a Mini I?ll ask for a fucking Mini.

Do shop assistants, waitresses and chefs not stop to consider that perhaps I don?t want fucking gluten free cake filled with milk products when I specifically asked about dairy free?

Ok rant over.