Letter to TV people re: eating

3 07 2014

Dear actors, directors, screenwriters, advertisers etc,

The act of putting food in a film or TV character’s mouth, in a dining setting, is enough to give us simple viewers a clue that perhaps the character is eating or about to start eating. There is no need to force actors to eat with their Hollywood/BBC funded gobs wide open showing us the contents while making repulsive, 90db sleaurching noises. We know they are eating ; the visuals of putting food in the mouth followed by chewing is a huge indicator of this fact. There is no need to perpetuate bad manners by forcing us to listen in surround sound to the chomping and slurping of breakfast,lunch, dinner or snacks.
Please stop it.

No love
The people of the world with manners





Unashamedly metalhead

28 06 2014

Tonight during the Metallica set at Glastonbury I was reminded of how it was growing up a ‘mosher’ in a land of very ordinary people who like U2 and Coldplay or Elbow. Everyone has their own musical preferences. Get the fuck over it. I was naive to think that 20years since I last had to deal with such prejudices, they might have gone away. I believed either society had become more accepting of people who liked different music (yes music, ffs) or they at least had matured a bit and stopped caring what others chose to listen to. Well didn’t I get that wrong? Turns out people who like bands like Metallica are “subhuman”, an “underclass”, “brainless twats”, “angry” and “moronic” and that didn’t even start to describe how people felt about the band themselves, only their fans.

Growing up a metalhead at a time everyone else was fainting at the sight of Take That or truly believing Oasis spoke only of their personal experience and no one understood how it felt to be a Wonderwall (yup someone once said that outside a gig , wtf?), made life difficult at times. I was beaten up, followed around town by adults(!) being verbally abusive to me, threatened and had random items thrown at me (usually chips or glass bottles). All because the music I listened to was “heavy metal” for weirdos. If I wasn’t angry before, fucking hell was I angry afterwards.

Who really gives a fuck what kind of music someone listens to? It’s 2014 for christ’s sake, I shouldn’t have to, and usually don’t, feel the need to justify to others why I listen to the music I do. I get annoyed at having people judge me and my intellectual capacity because I enjoy a certain style of music. I was told by a professor that you don’t get lawyers who like heavy metal as “they don’t have the brains” and are better suited to “hanging around the sewers with the junkies”. These put downs and general abuse is deemed socially acceptable all because for many years metal fans were considered and treated as being social outcasts. No wonder they seem angry all the time. If this treatment was based on political preference anger would be not only acceptable but expected.

I was saddened to see that negative attitude hasn’t gone anywhere partly because no one can tell what I like online. I’m physically much safer behind my computer screen. Tonight surprised me, especially when the ‘it’s only banter’ response was coming from self confessed egalitarians (and no this is not aimed at any one person, there were quite a few open minded kind souls reacting like this). Equality for all… Unless you listen to heavy metal. You apparently are an acceptable underclass.

Well I am bloody proud of being a member of that underclass. I’m unashamedly a metalhead. I don’t even like Metallica that much. I do quite like Mumford & Sons. Sue me.





You’re not the world’s first parent

13 05 2014

You’re not the world’s first parent
I’m sorry but it’s true
Billions of other parents
Got there before you

And no one really cares about your egg meeting that one sperm,
Or how you know everything there is to know about giving birth at term,
Or feeding.
Or changing.
Or that rash.
Or teething pain.
Everyone else is thinking here we go again.

It’s as if at once you’re lobotomised when a child falls out a fanny,
Your only topic of conversation is super fucking nanny,
But of course you can do it better, you’ve been a parent for five minutes,
You know all that there is to know.
Your knowledge now knows no limits.

You’re a master within seconds of squeezing out that kid,
Something you don’t know?
Ridiculous! God forbid!
And even if you’re the father,
your brain it turns to sponge,
All talk is birth and babies,
The minute your sperm sees minge.

From nipple cracks to blood and gore,
You’ve become that baby bore,
Just like the parents you once hated,
For gloating because they’d successfully mated.
You’re not the worlds first parent,
I’m sorry but it’s true,
The only one who gives a shit?
It’s you, my dear. It’s you.





Modern friendship?

5 06 2013

Person 1: You will be my friend if you like green, but I won’t be your friend if you won’t declare you hate purple.

Person 2: Ok, so I like green and I’m a member of the anti-purple league, I’m cool. But you once said something horrible about potatoes and I support potato liberation, so I won’t be your friend.

Person 3: I support potato liberation too but I find green a bit grassy. Can we still be friends? By the way I’m not a fan of Michael Bublé, if you like him we won’t be friends.

Person 4: I don’t like Michael Bublé and I don’t like green but I’m indifferent about potatoes.

Person 1: Then you are my enemy.
Person 2: Then you are my enemy.
Person 3: Then you are my enemy.
Person 4: *returns to real world where life has shades of grey*





We saved a tree today

21 08 2012

I tried to buy a birthday card for a male acquaintance today. It’s not someone I know terribly well, but he is a good friend’s partner. The card had to be appropriate given the relatively new development of our platonic relationship.

Have you noticed how hard it is to buy decent birthday cards for non women?

I went into a shop that was once guaranteed to have me spending a fortune buying funny and original cards, even if there were no birthdays coming up. Today I went in looking for a 30th card for a male and couldn’t find anything suitable. All the cards in the shop were doused in pastel pink or pretty pastel flowers and bunnies. He’s not really a pastels type or a bunnies type. At least not in public.

The so-called humorous cards mainly contained 1950s housewives making sarky or sexist comments while undertaking household chores, because y’know after decades of fighting for gender equality, ironic sexism shared between women in humourous greetings cards is the ultimate in social freedom. No harm whatsoever. Gosh, I’m being a spoilsport by even suggesting they could be considered sexist…

Forgive me if I can’t be arsed with this equality regression…

Then there were a few googly eyed wooly creatures with “hysterical” slogans such as “I love ewe” – not knowing his opinion on bestiality and not wanting to hint at mine, I felt such cards were best left on the shelf.

The self affirming and motivational quotes seemed a little twee, especially when most were quoting, and aimed at women discussing traditionally women’s issues. I don’t think he would appreciate a card affirming his womanhood or having his ovaries motivated to explode with eggs at the sight of a baby dressed as a flower.

I didn’t think it appropriate to comment on the size of his genitals, his sexual prowess or stamina, unlike a large majority of the greeting cards on sale. As I stated at the start, this is a new friendship and given his girlfriend’s known psycho possessive streak, they were just a bit too suggestive for a new platonic relationship.

There were no cards strictly for males that weren’t ‘Congratulations It’s a Boy’, not pictures of the Fallen Madonna With Ze Big Boobies or pints of beer with allegedly witty ‘you’re almost an alcoholic’ style comment. Not blue pastel cards with bunnies or even green or lemon or just plain white. There were no gender neutral cards at all that didn’t suggest he was a giraffe or gorilla for every and any occasion.

I’m not entirely sure what this shop expected us to do for the birthdays of our male friends and family, perhaps they expected to sell only to women who feel that emulating a sarky 1950s housewife bemoaning her list of household chores is the way of the future.

I’m not averse to abolishing gender stereotypes in the greetings industry and giving a man a card appearing ‘girly’ but I am averse personally to pastel colours, gender based humour and bestiality. Where were the gender neutral cards? the truly funny without taking gender or disability or vegetables pretending they’re humans into account?

They weren’t in that shop!

So I thought I’d have a look in the local Oxfam bookshop, they usually have some funny birthday cards but it was more of the same. Oh wait! there was a difference, the housewives were replaced by ageing women from the 1920s and 1930s in a variety of allegedly hysterical poses with allegedly witty, and ageist and sexist, comments. The few that contained men were again discussing his sexual prowess.

I just wanted a ‘happy birthday I don’t know you very well and don’t care about the size of your manhood’ card but it seems such things don’t exist.

In the end we left with nothing. We saved a tree today.





New troll, same old story.

31 07 2012

Interesting scenario.

Child makes ignorant comment on twitter. Thousands have a go at said child. Child, like all children displays bravado and keeps going instead of backing down. His trolling a sportsman is in turn trolled & flamed by thousands of angry twitterites. His bravado escalates to versions of I’m gonna kill you… Most people believe this is a ‘look mum I’m on the telly moment’ but continue fuelling the original trolls ego. Let’s face it, he’s finding the attention and power of the outrage he’s caused fun. All children love attention and power.

Original troll gets arrested. Those who flamed him and escalated the situation feel a sense of pride and duty at their involvement in getting ‘scum off the net’. Well done moral society you must be proud. I wonder what would have happened had you not fed the troll, ignored him completely and gone about your business… No point wondering as you didn’t. Game set and match to flaming en mass.

Police will have to take any potential death threat seriously. Should they not and the Original Troll follow through on his threats, there would be hell to pay.

Bad police make society angry. You wouldn’t like society when angry, except now storm in the usual suspects, moaning about freedom of speech and how ridiculous it is to arrest someone for saying something stupid on twitter. Remember twitter joke trial? The problem is, there’s a huge difference between OT’s first stupid tweet and the barrage of death and rape threats that followed. That isn’t freedom of speech, it’s harassment, its malicious, it’s illegal. Just because the medium is relatively new doesn’t make this kind of behaviour acceptable or an HRA article 10 issue.

The difference between the twitter joke trial tweet and these death threats is semantics. The joke trial recognised the use of language to suggest humour. This troll used threatening language with no indication of humour and persisted in using threatening language in tweet after tweet directed to many different people. There is no ambiguity in his meaning, regardless of whether he intended to carry through with the threat. He intended fear and alarm. No one could doubt that from his language.

Freedom of expression is being able to state an opinion, impart information or share ideas without repercussions. It is not and never has been the right to harass or threaten people’s lives or safety. I suggest reading the HRA for exceptions to each article.

I get annoyed when people say but he has the right to say it and if police arrested every person for being an idiot we’d all be doomed. And I agree with the latter but if police didn’t investigate and said sportsman or any number of the flaming trolls were discovered dead, or raped, there would be more of an outcry. Can’t have it both ways…

Written on phone will likely have glaring autocorrect errors.





The government have pulled a blinder

28 07 2012

Whodda thunk it? The opening ceremony of the Olympics has healed ALL our problems for the next fortnight and everyone has gone soft on the problems so very prominent prior to the moment the Queen jumps out a ‘copter.

Suddenly in a huge wave of nostalgia the majority of the population think Britain is great again. Tugging at the heart strings of the most cynical has worked well. Instant criticism seizure. Crimes of past and present forgotten. We are one big happy family again. Anyone who disagrees is disowned.

While the media are awash with stories of Danny Boyle’s lefty ceremony, the British public left and right have pulled together in patriotic solidarity. Only the most radical extremists haven’t fallen for its message; Don’t dare criticise the Olympics, the ceremony’s message or the new holy land of great Britain. A better result the coalition couldn’t have hoped for and they just sat back and let it happen.

Aside from outrage at MPs Burley and Mensch, nothing negative is being discussed by the public regarding the our political and economic states today. “But now is not the time for it” I’ve been told. “Now is our time to shine and show off our talents” apparently.

Put global problems on hold for a few weeks, some fit people need to do some exercise!

In one evening the government’s much desired WWII spirit has returned to the public and don’t you dare criticise it! Go learn the words to god save the queen and knees up mother brown now. You’ll need them soon to prove you’re patriotic and proud.

The government have hoped for this sense of patriotism and pride for years and we’ve willingly handed it to them on a plate.

We couldn’t pull together to save the NHS or the Welfare State, two things celebrated in the opening ceremony, yet we can do so over a dramatic reenactment and a hugely restrictive and expensive corporate sporting event.

This time yesterday no one believed the Olympics would improve national wellbeing statistics, let alone unite such a broken nation.Yesterday we were cynical enough to see the attempts at wool being pulled over our eyes. Last night in a highly impressive and entertaining show, it happened. Our vision was obscured by subtle ovine fabrics while we were dazzled by the pretty lights, bouncy music and nurses.

All the lefties feeling warm and fuzzy as Boyle allegedly sticks it to the destructive coalition. The coalition feeling warm an fuzzy because it believes it has managed to do what no government has in almost 70 years; brought back the great British community spirit.

But what happens when the Olympics are over? Do we automatically revert to the cynicism, albeit less convincingly knowing how quickly people shallowly change their minds on public outrage? Or do we continue with our keep coalition and carry on attitude the opening ceremony seems to have developed among us?

While so many are now claiming the tens of millions of pounds spent on the 3 hour theatrical extravaganza were more than worth it, people in Britain are still starving and struggling to survive, the disabled are still being penalised, there are no jobs, the NHS so celebrated last night is being privatised, schools to follow, the libraries housing the children’s stories so prominent in the show are closing, economy is in a worse state than it has been since before the war, and peaceful protesting is rapidly being criminalised.

The latter one disturbs me. As people watched an impressive performance outside, those who didn’t care for it outside were being violently arrested. This morning, those who dared to criticise it, or at least not celebrate the Olympics and Britishness, online were being violently attacked.

This hasn’t solved any pre-existing problems. It hasn’t cured all ills. It was a piece of fantastic entertainment pure and simple and people are so blinded beaming with patriotism and pride in response, they’ve forgotten what’s really going on, if even just for a fortnight. It’s all been very similar to The Braveheart Effect seen when an Australian actor wielded the strength of an American film studio to create a dodgy xenophobic patriotism among Scots.

Tens of millions of pounds spent on a pantomime is small change to effect the kind of societal atmosphere the governments have been craving for the past 4 1/2 years. And we swallowed it without question. Good thing really, might be the only thing for some they eat all week.

I wish the athletes all the best, it’s their moment. I commend Boyle on a great show… But I’m not going to forget the real world either.

**random words are due to ayephone autocorrect**