The problem with boobs in the rain

18 10 2011

Can someone please explain why jacket manufacturers *never* design the means by which the internal zip-in fleece stays in place.

Maybe it’s just me and my huge wiggly wobbly arse that causes the inside jacket to ride up around my tits. It’s not comfortable and definitely not sexy. And before you say anything, Yes! Waterproof jackets are sexy.

And while I’m ranting about these items of clothing, why do good waterproof manufacturers assume women don’t have breasts or hips? Indeed it would seem contrary to the entire fashion industry, that the hourglass shape is completely ignored in favour of the plank.

Apples and pears need not consider staying dry for any great length of time in the UK. Obviously being the owner of tits, ass or both excludes you from membership to the decent waterproof brigade. You are destined to wear supermarket brand showerproof outerwear most likely covered in some hideous pattern as of course all women with breasts and hips want to be seen in the latest loud and large collection.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 5ft 0 and a size 8 or 6ft 1 an a 22, if you’re not shaped like an unused floorboard from head to toe, you’re out of luck. The porn industry ideal of huge tits only seems to work in places where rain is non-existent; fine in the Sahara in our bikini and crotchless knickers not so fine in the highlands and gators.

Don’t even get me started on gators… Oh ok then, get me started. I love my gators, they may look ridiculous, they may be slightly tight on my overly muscular (ie fat) calves but they keep my trousers dry. Everyone should have gators, they will be this seasons must haves. They stop that repulsive soggy ankle effect from too long wet denims.

My other gripe, yes I have multiple gripes, is that being of average height for a female, I don’t fit into petite length trousers (looks like the cats died) and I’m too short for longer lengths. 30″ is too short, 32″ too long. So even in my smartest of gear -yes one day I shall own smart gear – I end up with unsightly walked on, ripped backs of trousers.

I nearly died on an escalator last week when it devoured my trousers. Hell I could still be going round and round being trampled on by the general public. And talking of being trampled on by the public, the number of denims projected binward is increasing thanks to people standing on my wee ankle tails and ripping my denims to my knees. Ffs threat of this forces me to shave the backs of my legs!

I demand clothes manufacturers model their items on my body size and shape.

Ok rant over. Life would be easier spent naked.

Get wet!


Summer Clothes Rant

22 04 2011

It’s been gloriously sunny these past few days and we all know what that means…

Shorts, mini-skirts, short-dresses, flimsy tops and flip-flops. Humanity craves as much flesh on show as possible without revealing the parts best left for special friends.  And yet its a time of year I dread.

Shops are filled with stunning floaty sun dresses designed to look fantastic on telegraph poles, girls get to show off their long tanned legs and lard-arse me gets to wear oversized black t-shirt and jeans to hide the humongous amount of fat I’ve collected over the years and I’m not even that big.

Blue mini Prada Dress

So 2 Summer seasons ago - Prada.

I wouldn’t be thanked for showing off my blue rotund elephant style legs in a floaty mini dress or for displaying my bouncing bingo wings for all and sundry in a strappy top. I no longer fit into standard high street sizes thanks to a fucked thyroid and so my options are limited to the Fat Floridian in Nylon look or Hide-it-all in a Tent look. Neither of which will be found in Prada, All-Saints, or Primark.

All Saints Sleeveless Mini Dress

All Saints dresses don't suit bingo wings or elephant legs

Whenever someone larger than a size 12 dares to comment about lack of choice or availability in clothing, especially suitable summer clothing, all those skinny ladies hit out with, “am I not a real woman?” It seems the skinnies miss the real issue.

skinny girl in white dress and black jacket

Primark doesnt cater for larger sizes

When the UK average is around a size 16, why is it retailers don’t cater for them and claim there is no market for such sizes?

chubby nudists

No market for larger sizes? are we all naked?

Do all women over a size 16 prefer the nudist look then? If there is no market in the high street for the average UK size, what are these women wearing?

And when shops do sell reduced lines in larger sizes, in the sales, the racks are full of sizes 4, 6 and 8 but rarely size 16. Hell even out with the sales finding the elusive size 16 or 18 on a shelf is near impossible. If the desire for these sizes are so rare, why do they always sell out first?

But it’s not all bad news, as if by some stroke of fortune my top half can actually still squeeze itself into size 14, or at least it would if I had  swollen nipples instead of ample breasts. While a size 14 is considered as having a 38 inch chest it seems this doesn’t stretch to a DD cup. The tops would probably fit my boyfriend better.

And thinking back to the skinny mantra of “real women”, why does it have to boil down to being a real woman anyway?

I own a vagina and a pair of huge tits – I am most definitely a woman and a real one at that – doesnt mean I can find anything appropriate to wear in the nice weather. If you are under size 14 you will have fewer issues finding clothes at all. That doesn’t make you an unreal woman or a pretend woman, it just means that you are catered for more readily by retailer.

Now don’t get me wrong, in my slimmer days I had issues finding clothes to fit my then size 6 body because it was thought no one could possible be that skinny and be healthy or an adult. My, how times have changed! My smaller waist still doesn’t fit into standard shaped womans trousers and then my thighs barely fit for the opposite reason.

fat woman struggling into denims

a more realistic dressing scene?

I’m not an odd shape. I’m not apple-shaped and I’m certainly not boy shaped but it seems that these are the two choices for women on the high street.

You either have to conform to the shape of a weeble or you have to conform to the shape of an ice-pole. There is nothing in-between. Marilyn would be turning in her hourglass grave.

So yet another year I’m stuck in dumpy clothing hiding away the bodyparts society deems inappropriate for fat people to show, yet are celebrated in slimmer people. Then they have the audacity to complain they’re not considered real women when curvaceous women have difficulty finding nice clothes to fit. I’d rather be a clothed pretend woman than a naked real one!