Baby [Jake] talk

I’ve been subjected to the latest monstrous offering by Cbeebies for the past week… Baby Jake.

I’m not usually one to take the ‘Outraged of Milton Keynes’ approach to these things but dear dog this programme makes me want to mutilate fluffy kittens and bite the head off bats, just to reassure myself life isn’t quite so lovely and sweet and fucking vomit inducing.

Baby Jake is evil...

Don’t get me wrong, the child actor is beautiful.I don’t quite understand why he needs to be so creepily animated. What really gets me though, more than anything else, is the ridiculous babytalk, the producers deemed necessary to polish off the programme. My not quite 2 year old, with the speech of a 3 year old, is now walking around saying Goo-gy gee-ah as a response to everything. Thanks cbeebies for a whole 2 years of language regression.

We never did baby talk in our house. Despite what many academics and researchers may say, I feel that beyond the age of about 6 months, it’s a pointless response to babies that pleases the adult more than the child. A child will be happy with any attention and language it gets, there’s no need to ham it up for them in a ridiculous, twee, distorted voice.

I was brought up to believe that if you speak to a child as a human being and not an alien from the planet alpha-gibberish 23 they will develop speech quickly and clearly. It worked for me, who I’m told was speaking in sentences before the age of 1. Jr has also proven this was the case for her too. Her language, reasoning and understanding of complex issues, including comedy, would suggest this was the case.

On the otherhand if we consider my 40 year old acquaintance, formerly known as 6-tits, and how she talks to her boyfriends, “wiw my ikkle sexy babe wantz meez to bwing home a pizza for nomnoms” (direct quote) – we can see the damage baby talk will do to kids when they become adults.

Seriously, it’s an embarrassment to adulthood having to listen to her on the phone to whatever boyfriend she has this week. And if I’m honest, if I were a guy being spoken to like an avid Baby Jake viewer, I’d have issues with the relationship too.

So parents, by allowing your children to watch Baby Jake and by joining in the ridiculous baby talk it promotes, you will teach your children that its ok to talk to a sexual partner as if you’re a toddler, in adulthood. Yup it’s all your fault 6tits talks like a twat at 40. Live with it.