The problem with boobs in the rain

18 10 2011

Can someone please explain why jacket manufacturers *never* design the means by which the internal zip-in fleece stays in place.

Maybe it’s just me and my huge wiggly wobbly arse that causes the inside jacket to ride up around my tits. It’s not comfortable and definitely not sexy. And before you say anything, Yes! Waterproof jackets are sexy.

And while I’m ranting about these items of clothing, why do good waterproof manufacturers assume women don’t have breasts or hips? Indeed it would seem contrary to the entire fashion industry, that the hourglass shape is completely ignored in favour of the plank.

Apples and pears need not consider staying dry for any great length of time in the UK. Obviously being the owner of tits, ass or both excludes you from membership to the decent waterproof brigade. You are destined to wear supermarket brand showerproof outerwear most likely covered in some hideous pattern as of course all women with breasts and hips want to be seen in the latest loud and large collection.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 5ft 0 and a size 8 or 6ft 1 an a 22, if you’re not shaped like an unused floorboard from head to toe, you’re out of luck. The porn industry ideal of huge tits only seems to work in places where rain is non-existent; fine in the Sahara in our bikini and crotchless knickers not so fine in the highlands and gators.

Don’t even get me started on gators… Oh ok then, get me started. I love my gators, they may look ridiculous, they may be slightly tight on my overly muscular (ie fat) calves but they keep my trousers dry. Everyone should have gators, they will be this seasons must haves. They stop that repulsive soggy ankle effect from too long wet denims.

My other gripe, yes I have multiple gripes, is that being of average height for a female, I don’t fit into petite length trousers (looks like the cats died) and I’m too short for longer lengths. 30″ is too short, 32″ too long. So even in my smartest of gear -yes one day I shall own smart gear – I end up with unsightly walked on, ripped backs of trousers.

I nearly died on an escalator last week when it devoured my trousers. Hell I could still be going round and round being trampled on by the general public. And talking of being trampled on by the public, the number of denims projected binward is increasing thanks to people standing on my wee ankle tails and ripping my denims to my knees. Ffs threat of this forces me to shave the backs of my legs!

I demand clothes manufacturers model their items on my body size and shape.

Ok rant over. Life would be easier spent naked.

Get wet!