You’re not the world’s first parent

13 05 2014

You’re not the world’s first parent
I’m sorry but it’s true
Billions of other parents
Got there before you

And no one really cares about your egg meeting that one sperm,
Or how you know everything there is to know about giving birth at term,
Or feeding.
Or changing.
Or that rash.
Or teething pain.
Everyone else is thinking here we go again.

It’s as if at once you’re lobotomised when a child falls out a fanny,
Your only topic of conversation is super fucking nanny,
But of course you can do it better, you’ve been a parent for five minutes,
You know all that there is to know.
Your knowledge now knows no limits.

You’re a master within seconds of squeezing out that kid,
Something you don’t know?
Ridiculous! God forbid!
And even if you’re the father,
your brain it turns to sponge,
All talk is birth and babies,
The minute your sperm sees minge.

From nipple cracks to blood and gore,
You’ve become that baby bore,
Just like the parents you once hated,
For gloating because they’d successfully mated.
You’re not the worlds first parent,
I’m sorry but it’s true,
The only one who gives a shit?
It’s you, my dear. It’s you.

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